There is so much love, spilling out of every corner of my life and my memory bank. I would like to share them with you as a show of gratitude. It could be endless..so let me say I have just begun...
*Rachel giving me a reiki lesson on her balcony, during a rain storm only an hour before she leaves for Vietnam and she is not done packing. She is in the moment and she offers herself completely.
*Sabrina cooking me an all vegan breakfast banquet the morning before my departure. She is not vegan, neither is John. There is a pure offering of food out of love for me. It was my last meal in Boston.
*Jumping up and down with a small thai girl in a bookstore in Bangkok. We chase each other around corners and play peekaboo around chairs. When I leave, she becomes sad. She is sad because this moment is over and we cannot return to it. I have been there. I say to her, "Only happiness." For now, we have had the moment.
*Carola giving me a ride to the ferry in between her workshop hours. She gets a flat tire, yet still she rests with me for a while, waiting on the dock. Patiently.
*Anna playing on her violin, flowing with the music, playing a song about carrots. She is inspired by carrots! I am inspired by her.
*Angela riding with me on the back of my bike to the waterfall that wasn't and the wat, or temple that had not begun. We sing Janis Joplin and the Little Mermaid intermingling the two.
*Arbel, anywhere, anytime on the farm playing his flute.
*My ex-boyfriend's family treating me like family. I thank his aunt for all this love. She answers me "You are family." Yes, I am loved.
*Four small boys interlocking their arms, sharing secrets. They are too young to be worried about appearances, personal space or being macho.
*Jody throwing Adriana into the water to teach her how to swim. Adriana is only five years old and so small. I worry that she will drown, but Jody knows how to show her how to swim. Fear is not the way, thus she waits for her lovingly each time she throws her into the waves and waits for her to re-emerge. The love is knowing she will return, that Adriana knows this too.
*Cooking in the kitchen with Israeli volunteers, making them dance to oldies music and teaching them the real meaning of the lyrics. Being inspired by them, their stories, being inspired by seasonal foods, finding a way to putting houbeza into everything.
*Learning so many different ways to make tahina. Can you add the following: dijon mustard, chocolate, advocado, soy sauce, gigner, garam malasa. The answer is always yes. Maybe not at the same time. These are lessons for you to learn though.
*My ex-boyfriend's father doing his glida dance. His wriggle of delight in a restaurant chair, as he orders his forbidden desserts. "Yesh glida?" he asks the waitress, as he wriggles with anticipation. His absolute joy in the moment.
*My ex-boyfriend's mother packing me three sandwiches for my flight to Thailand. She asks me which bread do I prefer: Whole wheat or a bagel? My eyes glaze over with the word bagel. Yes, I nod. Bagel please. She purses lips, and frowns no. Lama lo? "I cannot give you enough vegetables with a bagel sandwich." She declares. Shes does not understand my laughter.
*My father upon hearing that I was going to Thailand, exclaimed "Think of all the Thai food that you will eat." There is no worry, no note of concern in his voice. Instead, he comes from a place of knowing that I will be okay.
*Melissa, an expert in love. Giving me rides, taking care of my fat cat, my objects, my possessions until I return. Offering me nightly, a never ending smile and her beloved hummus and crackers.
*Julie constantly offering me food, her leftovers. My husband is not hungry she claims, while giving me full bags of fresh vegetables.
*Abe and Andrew playing chess anywhere, anytime on the farm. They are determined, so committed, so absorbed by the game. I can see them as two old men, never growing old of this game or their friendship. Their chess playing is beautiful to me, as an extension of their love, their friendship.
*Planting row upon row of seedlings with Tayla and Leila. Talking about love and sex, and everything in between. So much laughter in those moments. Thank you.
*Lice-combings with an individual who shall remain unmentioned. Despite all her fear, offering to comb out my long and weedy locks. It was a lovely spa night and olive oil is so good for your hair.
*May Kadee sharing her bed with me, when I arrive in Bangkok at five in the morning, and she does not have a room for me. Instead she offers me her bedroom, her bed to a stranger.
*Marissa making all my juices when I was sick. Giving me pills, writing down times and amounts, endlessly, patiently. Reading to me in bed, as my fever wains.
*Robin...lending me her car. If only her parents knew! So much trust for a new driver. Trying to charm my driving instructor, when she was instructed to be silent.
*Robin driving to JP, on cold and wintery nights, in order to sit next to silently for hours grading papers while I type out papers ignoring her.
*Ei's smile is pure love. If you knew him, you would know this to be true.
*Abe expertly running all our farm Shabbat dinners. So efficiently, without getting stressed, making his own dishes that he learned from his mother, helping others with their dishes.
*Tremping across Israel. Strangers offering rides to strangers, as mitzvahs, as good deed. Driving out of their way to help, offering suggestions on how to get where you are going. Or simply not talking at all. But the offer remains the same.
*Taking 2 bus rides, 2 plan rides, 1 angry cab, 1 twelve hour overnight bus and 1 four hour ferry to meet your love.
* Taking 1 five hour ferry, 1 twelve hour overnight bus, 1 tuk tuk, 1 motorbike ride to another twelve hour overnight bus, 1 two hour hot and packed truck ride through Thai mountains to meet myself on a farm.
*There is more. There is always more love...
Monday 5 April 2010
The Nature of Love
We are now entering into the second phase of my journey, which we can call :Jew in Thailand or more accurately Falling Down the Rabbit Hole. How I arrived in Thailand, and the many adventures that I have had since February I would love to share with you. But I am in the now of this moment. And this moment is beautiful and it will not last. So let me share what I have learned thus far, since leaving the safety and security of my world in Boston...
"What is love?" my friend asks me as we are walking along a dirt road at night. I cannot answer her fully. I only know what it is to be in love, I offer her, the common symptoms of tingling and excitement. We both know that love is more than the smallness of these emotions and yet with all our intellect, we cannot puzzle it out. We have no words for it.
Since this night, many words, or definitions have been offered to me about the nature of love. My former lover, suggested that love is a state of being. I shared this with my friend, delighted to have a simple answer to such a complicated question. I chew on this concept for days. Until I can answer, yes, I am in a loving state of being with Israel, with barren hilltops, with the farm, with my basil plants, with my lover. Yet, still there is a disconnect, a gap from love.
Still I search. I walk many nights, along many dirt paths. Love is fleeting. It is not a constant state of being. Months pass. I am in a hall listening to a lecture given by a Swami about Detachment. I learn that people are not objects, we do not own them. I listen to this teacher describe Unconditional Love. This is a love without wants and needs. In this way, one can be hurt, disapointed and angry, since our expectations are not met. But there is still love. Love flows always, and if we perceive it to end, it was not love. Only an illusion of wants and needs. This is the fleeting aspect.
Weeks pass, and now I am hurt, disapointed and angry. There is a moment, so large which clouds out everything and I am detached from all love. This is a passing cloud. There are other moments, small at first, but increasing. In these moments fo clarity, I remain absolutely still and I understand, truly understand the nature of love.
Let me share with you now, which I know to be the nature of love. I have found that I am love. I am part of the whole and the whole is love. Love is not connected to a single partner, which lets one into a state of love. One always choose to be in a state of love, if one lets the clouds pass. Thus one enters into a state of grace, a state of being with the universe which is loving and accepting.
I could not have answered from friend's question, at the beginning of the path, with the words I had then. The words I had then were restricting, contracting, hoarding. Before, I measured love into cups marked more and less, yours and mine.
But now, in a state of grace, memories from my former life flow over me. Like a movie screen, before my eyes, are filled with all the guestures of love that I have been shown. The heart feels full, but I know there is so much more to offer and receive. I will share these with you in my next posting.
"What is love?" my friend asks me as we are walking along a dirt road at night. I cannot answer her fully. I only know what it is to be in love, I offer her, the common symptoms of tingling and excitement. We both know that love is more than the smallness of these emotions and yet with all our intellect, we cannot puzzle it out. We have no words for it.
Since this night, many words, or definitions have been offered to me about the nature of love. My former lover, suggested that love is a state of being. I shared this with my friend, delighted to have a simple answer to such a complicated question. I chew on this concept for days. Until I can answer, yes, I am in a loving state of being with Israel, with barren hilltops, with the farm, with my basil plants, with my lover. Yet, still there is a disconnect, a gap from love.
Still I search. I walk many nights, along many dirt paths. Love is fleeting. It is not a constant state of being. Months pass. I am in a hall listening to a lecture given by a Swami about Detachment. I learn that people are not objects, we do not own them. I listen to this teacher describe Unconditional Love. This is a love without wants and needs. In this way, one can be hurt, disapointed and angry, since our expectations are not met. But there is still love. Love flows always, and if we perceive it to end, it was not love. Only an illusion of wants and needs. This is the fleeting aspect.
Weeks pass, and now I am hurt, disapointed and angry. There is a moment, so large which clouds out everything and I am detached from all love. This is a passing cloud. There are other moments, small at first, but increasing. In these moments fo clarity, I remain absolutely still and I understand, truly understand the nature of love.
Let me share with you now, which I know to be the nature of love. I have found that I am love. I am part of the whole and the whole is love. Love is not connected to a single partner, which lets one into a state of love. One always choose to be in a state of love, if one lets the clouds pass. Thus one enters into a state of grace, a state of being with the universe which is loving and accepting.
I could not have answered from friend's question, at the beginning of the path, with the words I had then. The words I had then were restricting, contracting, hoarding. Before, I measured love into cups marked more and less, yours and mine.
But now, in a state of grace, memories from my former life flow over me. Like a movie screen, before my eyes, are filled with all the guestures of love that I have been shown. The heart feels full, but I know there is so much more to offer and receive. I will share these with you in my next posting.
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